A pound of flesh

Good morning! 

*Please forgive the grammatical errors. 

I'm going to tell you a story about someone I've known since eighth grade. I have so many fond memories of her when we were young. In 2020 at the beginning of Covid I went back to my home state of Minnesota to spend time with her. My friend was a mess. A much bigger mess than she led on before I came out. She had a back farmhouse she rented with her now estranged husband who had moved out some months prior to my coming. She had a dog, and a half dozen cats on the property. When arrived at her farmhouse I learned she was months behind in rent since her husband moved out, and her dog and cats were literally going hungry. She had enough cat food to feed one cat, but she had about six of them on her property. It was winter. Not many mice to catch plus all but one were indoor cats. The dog ate whatever my friend ate. My friend worked a full-time job. "Where is your money going?" I asked her. And her response was maddening. She said she was giving all her money to her estranged husband who had left her and moved back in with his parents. Her estranged husband missed his mother taking care of him. He missed her cooking for him. He missed her doing his laundry. He missed her doting on him. Additionally, his mother said if he left his marriage and moved back home mom would buy him a brand-new truck. So, he left his marriage moved back home to mom and dad and as a reward his mom bought him a brand-new truck. This is not a boy we're talking about here. He's a grown man in his late twenties. 

My friend who is twenty years older than her husband met her husband when they both worked for the same trucking company. She was a dispatcher/secretary/bookkeeper, and he was a driver. I did not meet her husband before 2020. I didn't know he was twenty years younger than her. Nonetheless, all the red flags are there right. He's twenty years younger. He thought my friend was going to replace his mommy plus give him the freedom he did not have living with his parents. My friend refused to let him live with her unless they were married. Clearly, neither one of them really took into consideration what this marriage would be (her second, his first) with a twenty-year age difference. 

"Mommy, marriage is hard! My wife is a meanie and expects me to be an adult!" Or so I imagine that's what he said to his mom.

I tried to help my friend best I could. I gave her money to feed her cats. I bought her dog a giant bag of dogfood. I gave her money to help pay her back-rent. When her truck broke down, I gave her money to help fix her truck. A day later her truck was still broken down in the driveway, the landlord came by with a three day or quit notice, and her cats were still going hungry. "What happened to the money I gave you?" I asked.

My friend broke down in tears and loudly wept, "I'm trying to fix my marriage! I booked a luxurious weekend suite at the Four Seasons and (her husband) cancelled on me this morning! Four Seasons won't refund my money because the reservation is for tomorrow!" My friend didn't weep because she felt bad the money I gave her for back rent and pet food was gone. She wept because her husband cancelled on her. I put my foot down. "Surrender your cats. They're hungry. You can't take care of them." I demanded. That day my friend surrendered most of her cats. She could afford one cat but not all of them. I told her to keep feeding her dog dogfood not human food or she'll have to surrender the dog too.

The landlord took my friend and her estranged husband to court after the three days or quit notice. They lost of course. She moved in with a friend. Her estranged husband went back to mom and dad. I went back to California. A voice in my head told me to go back. About two months later I suffered an ischemic stroke. I was still a California resident with California state medical insurance. I'm glad I listened to that voice in my head. Speed it up to December 2024 and guess what my friend is still trying to get her husband back. Even after he took her to court on "abuse" charges because she grabbed his arm during a face-to-face encounter and left a bruise. My friend lost that case too and received a restraining order that day to stay (whatever the legal footage is in MN) away from her estranged husband, his mom and dad, and his parents' house.

Anyone who has ever been married will tell you hire an attorney the moment your spouse leaves the marriage. Depending on state laws she could sue him for marital abandonment plus he still owes money on the rent because his name is on the lease. But my friend didn't hire an attorney. She wanted her husband back. She wanted him to love her like before if he ever loved her at all. She wanted him back so badly she was willing to compete with his mom with cash and prizes. The only person getting everything was him. The only person winning was him. He had two women fighting over him and spoiling him like a King. Late twenties.

Today, my friend's estranged husband is in his mid-thirties and still being taken care of by his mom and dad. He's not disabled or anything. He just likes being taken care of and his mom wants to do it. 

My friend was about 150 pounds overweight then. She is now over 300 pounds easily. Some of it is medical. Most of it is psychological. I mention this because it matters. Self-esteem self-confidence matters and can be hard for some aging women. She's still in Minnesota where well let's be honest not the most health-conscious people there especially among older folks. And I've thought about this for a long time. I've given it serious consideration. I've meditated and prayed on this matter since 2020. Clearly my friend would be so much happier if she just lost the weight. You thought I was going to say Jesus didn't you. ⌣ No, she needs to lose weight that's a given. However, she also needs to hire a legal mediator (an attorney) who will exclude his mom and dad from this legal conversation unless one of them is his lawyer. Legal mediators don't put up with mommy and daddy butting into their case. Mommy and daddy won't be allowed in the room.

I don't like divorce. I get why she wants her husband back. I hated divorcing my husband, but it had to be done or one of us was going to end up on Dateline. In my friend's marriage, I mean, it's obvious she's not going to let her marriage go using common sense. He's not going to file for divorce because abandoning a marriage probably won't award him alimony. A legal mediator though, while my friend might think the mediator will be on her side (and let her think that just to get everyone in the room) in reality that mediator has no stake in the game other than getting couples out his/her office as fast as possible. No one wins with a mediator BUT at least both my friend and her estranged husband might see the light of day on their marriage for the first time ever and the end result is legally binding. It's the same as going before a judge. 

Which is precisely why I will not marry people without lengthy counseling sessions first. I may never marry anyone and I'm okay with that. My conscious is clear. 

I miss my friend. I don't know this person she's become. I'm not strictly talking about her weight although I would be lying if I said, "She's beautiful at any weight". I don't subscribe to that. No, I miss the funny confident happy gal she used to be. Being obese wasn't a symptom of the problem it became the end result of one.

We all need good mental health, or we cease to function like my friend who by the way is a good person at her core but she's emotionally dependent. I will preach it until I am blue in the face be independent at a young age. Leave your mom and dad's house after high school. Get a full-time job doing anything like McDonald's, the gas station/convenience store, hotel housekeeping, waiting tables, whatever earns you an honest paycheck and live alone in a one room apartment with a space heater if that's what it is just live alone for a few years. Pay your own rent. Pay your own bills. Buy your own groceries. Learn how to be alone. Enjoy it! Your own private space. How wonderful! Trust this old gal when I say living alone for a few years after high school (or college) teaches you what kind of person you want to marry. When you do everything on your own taking care of yourself and possibly a pet too you will know in your heart what kind of person you want to marry. You will know in your heart the moment red flags start waving. 

I'm not making excuses for my friend but we Gen X gals were not raised by anyone. We learned from doing. We gave up pounds of flesh to survive. I don't want to see younger generation giving up anything. You guys are pretty darn smart on your own. Smarter than my generation that's for sure. But there are those still out there who want your soul, who want a pound of flesh, who feel that you owe them somehow. Don't trap yourselves. You don't owe anyone anything. If you already know the answer in your gut but want advice from your friends online look you already know what the answer is in your gut. Use gut-wisdom. God bless you.

Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth.

-Proverbs 4:5